When a butterfly emerges from its cocoon, it does not return because that would be counterintuitive and impossible as the creature inside the cocoon was entirely different- a caterpillar. Humans behave similarly. We emerge from infancy to adolescence to fully formed adults, but our minds are continually growing and changing which can cause us to want to revert into our metaphorical cocoon, or non-growth state. A state where things felt safer and less complicated. It’s an urge I’m learning to fight.
Over the past year I have been on a journey to begin a successful blog. Writing is what makes me happy, and makeup is a medium in which I feel confident reviewing. I’m not an expert though, and sometimes I allow that to stop me, or at least hit pause, from sharing my experiences and opinions. It’s a scary thing opening yourself up to the Internet as people are much more likely to tell you their brutally honest opinions and even attack you for having your views. Thankfully, makeup is a pretty light subject, and every one of the comments I have received so far has been cheerful.
Fear causes people to do one of two things: 1. RUN!!!! or 2. allow it to motivate you to break beyond your current state. I’ve become a pretty decent runner as I’m currently training for my first half marathon. And in this instance I’m combining the options because living out loud is a concept that terrifies me, but even worse, if i don’t start now, it may never happen. And that’s become scarier than failure. It’s the concept of failure that keeps me complacent. A perfectionist in many respects, failing or being laughed at cause me to become paralyzed. That’s not a way to live; it’s barely a way to exist. So, just as I learned to run, I’ve broken down the steps to becoming more confident in myself and my writing into baby steps.
If I don’t start now, it may never happen.
And that’s become scarier than failure.
Stop wishing. Start doing. Well, this is a hard concept for me to fully realize, as it suggests that I do the thing I’m most afraid of- sharing my writing. I chose to create a blog where I write about makeup because it’s light and ultimately inconsequential. My opinions may be helpful, leading someone to new products they were on the fence about buying, or they may entertain as I’d like to think I’m witty, or they may annoy someone who does not agree with the results I found with a particular product, but these opinions will not incite anger or cause a movement in which people bearing arms might protest me. One day I hope to write articles of that may elicit a stronger response, to remove the suit of armor disguised as a matte foundation solidified with a setting spray.
I’m not downing myself here, or even makeup. It’s my frivolous drug of choice! But I also want to post my views on the books I read, the news I watch, and the ideas I have that may one day cause an angry mob to seek me out either for waiting so long to tell them my truth or to bury me for it. And I will be ready. One day. That cocoon is still nurturing a growing butterfly. If that side of me came out now, I may only have one wing or my antenna wouldn’t sufficiently function, and self preservation requires immense preparation.
Of all the things I may escape, may living invisibly for the sake of appearing invincible be first.
Of all the things I may escape, may living invisibly for the sake of appearing invincible be first. Battle scars are beautiful things to bear. They help tell your story as only you experienced it. They are unique to you, the fear you faced, the fear you overcame, the victory of still going. And if I am to keep going, I want to go on living in honesty. I want to prove to myself, to those who support me, to those who say I can’t, that I CAN and I DO. I’m a naturally competitive person, so it seems to be an oxymoron that I don’t just go out and thrive. I have to be pushed, taunted, and maybe even a little broken before I really start gaining traction in something, even if I love it. I’m working on it. It’s work in progress. It’s a journey. It’s gonna happen in time. Wow, time’s a wastin’!
As I learned from the Gilmore Girls revival, it’s never or now. So, here I am presenting to you my cracking cocoon. I am peeking out into the world, looking both ways so I’m not steamrolled by oncoming traffic. I’m starting to cut my teeth and dig in my heels. Fighting for what I want is worth it because ultimately I’m fighting to become me.